Mixed Signals = Heartbreak

This post is a little deeper into the situations and mixed signals I received from Mr. Johnson. I will do my best to put them in chronological order, so just try to keep up...and this will be a long post so grab some food!

Back on a previous post, I discussed that when I became involved with Mr. Johnson I went through a lot of personal turmoil and he was there. Well let me rephrase that. I was extremely vulnerable, and if I was a guy with a voluptuous woman who kept wanting to fuck behind her mans back, who am I to say no?

One night, I was away from my current boyfriend, and me and Mr. Johnson were sitting by the pool at my dads apartment. We were talking and I asked him, I need to know how you feel. I was asking not because this was a determining factor of my breakup, but so I would know where we stood even as a single woman. His words were "I have feelings for you but, they're under control". Right there I should have known not to try and pursue him, but love is blind. The very next day my ex hunted me down and that was when I told him everything and broke up with him.

Shortly after that, Mr. Johnson and I began to spend a lot of time together, meaning I was at his place almost every damn day. He was a new guy, I really liked him, and I just couldn't stay away. I remember him saying that work was going to pick up soon and I would probably hardly see him, well I still saw him everyday. He didn't have his own car so I would pick him up, take him to his second job, then get him when he was done and we would usually get some beer and just relax and watch tv for the rest of the night. Spending so much time with someone feelings get stronger, even if you don't want them to.

It was the little things he did and said that made go head over heels for this guy. . I remember one night maybe a week since I had been newly single I went out with a guy friend of mine. I was partying it up about an hour away from where Mr. Johnson lived and right when I got there I get a text from him. He had a really bad day and pretty much just wanted to see me and spend some time with me. I was surprised but it felt nice. I had told him that I just got there and I wouldn't be out all night so I would go home to him, because I also had spare clothes in my car. He told me 'I wanna see you but I don't wanna bum out your night" I said "trust me you're not because I wanna see you too". Even though I left pretty late I ended up seeing him, went straight to bed and just cuddled. After being treated like shit by my ex, it was this type of situation that made me feel good.

Fast forward to when his work slowed down and he wanted to get out of town so we headed up north to see his uncle and aunt. As I was speaking to his aunt she informed me that he had never brought a girl up there before. Now, not that I felt special, but for his family to say something like that to me did mean something. Maybe men are different, but for women, or me at least, I don't bring anyone around my family unless that guy/girl means something to me. (Yes Vaga likes vagina too!) Not to mention we had a fun time getting drunk and creating some unforgettable memories. Little did I know that would be the only and last time I ever went up there with him. After that, I would just visit on my own.

Now here is where things get a little complicated. There was more than one occasion where he would get drunk and blurt out "I love you". I remember the first time he said it. I was so happy and he kissed me with this smile on his face. Now, here is also where I've come to understand that I handle liquor better than most guys. The next day, I said it in the morning, and his response was silence. I even text him when he went to work and I don't remember his reply, but he dodged it. I remember when he couldn't own up to it and I was pissed. I felt like he was playing with my emotions because I was just convenient. His friend had come over, and Mr. Johnson said something to me and after that I played it cool but I had an attitude. After his friend left he wanted to lay down on the sofa together, I said "no I'm good". He pulled me down with him and said "fucker lay down with me" (fyi he didn't say it in a mean way, but that was just how we conversed.) so I lay down with my arms crossed. I ALWAYS hugged him or cuddled up to him. He threw on "Halloween" (It's my favorite horror movie and he hates scary movies so he was kissing ass) then proceeds to say "Ok what's wrong?, I could tell there was tension. Is it because I said to shut the fuck up?" My response in my best sarcasm was "Yes because you telling me to shut the fuck up really hurts my damn feelings" he then goes "Was this because of what I said" I proceeded to say "ding ding ding we have a fucking winner, you actually figured it out" He kissed me then asked me what happens in the movie. It was things like that where I thought maybe there was some decency in this guy. But I was just fooled by what I felt and wanted to see in him, not by the reality of what was really going on.

He told me time and time again that he wasn't ready for a relationship and that he was still in love with his ex. I told myself to just give it time. I also told him "If you don't want me to put you in an awkward situation then don't say anything stupid that will make it awkward the next day" We had an understanding, or so I thought. The last time he said "I love you" he was drunk (of course) and we were naked in bed I told him "don't say that" he asked me "why not" I said "because you won't remember it in the morning and I will" Since he was drunk I knew I would get an honest answer out of him so I asked "do you even care about me?" he said "of course I do why would you ask that" I said, "I just needed to know" and then he passed out.

Not to mention I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and New Years Eve with him and his family. His mother invited me to Thanksgiving because I really had no family to spend it with and when I spoke about my plans, because she asked, she then invited me. He didn't know she had invited me and I was so nervous to tell him. I didn't want him to think that I was trying to be sneaky. But I don't have my family all together to celebrate the holidays with, so I just wanted to be around family in general. It was really nice. Christmas Eve happened because I had got a gift for him and really wanted to see him before he went with his family but said he wouldn't have time and then at the last minute said, if you can be at my place by 4 then we will go up together. I was so happy and rushed home to get ready and make that happen. Lastly I remember speaking to him about New Years Eve, and said "so what are we going to do?" he said playfully "What is this 'we' shit?" I started laughing and said fine we only spent the last two main holidays together what was I thinking? so a few days later he calls me and says "We are going with my family". I said "oh 'we' huh?" He said "yea, might as well since we spent the last two together". It felt nice and yes I got my new years kiss even. That was a moment I like to remember. It struck midnight and as we were all hugging I get to him and say "Do I get my midnight kiss?" he said 'You know I don't kiss in public' I said "I don't give a fuck' and he kissed me while we were surrounded by his family. It might seem irrational but it made me feel special in some weird way.

Ending this because it's already long enough (Not that Vaga is complaining!) but he went on a family vacation and less than a month after he came back he had a girlfriend. I never thought anything could hurt more than my recent break up. I mean I fell hard for this guy and he just didn't even care. We've had many conversations about what happened in those 7 months and he made me feel like I was crazy for thinking anything would ever happen between us. There were a few more situations but I'll save those for another post. Now looking back at everything, I'm actually really happy he didn't want me. Do I still have feelings for him? more than I'd like to admit. But, we all have that one guy that we will always hate and have love for at the same time.

He taught me a lot, and for that I'm grateful. I hope one day those feelings will be completely gone, because the flame now burns on low, but for now liquor and Vaga's craving for D, does the trick. Dating is fun and I'm happy I'm sorting my life out on my own.

Thanks for reading all the way through, it was a rough one I know (Just how Vaga likes it!)